Degrassi: Reflections
by starlite-jupiter
Summary: There are so many things happening at Degrassi right now, shootings, STDs, Expellations, Bipolar people, etc. This is a time of reflection. New students like Ellie, Alex, Darcy, Chester, Jay, Amy, Hazel, Marco, and Kendra all remember what happened before


**Degrassi: Memories**

**Tracks of My Tears (Part One)**

**Brett Hawkins**

**and**

**Reiko Momochi**

Everyone was at lunch eating as usual. Ellie was reading a magazine, Craig and Jimmy were talking of the band, and Ashley was writing a song.

"Hey guys, look at this." Ellie said, "According to police records, approximately 31,957 people committed suicide in Canada in 2003. That means 87 people a day. Or 3-4 people every single hour chose to throw their lives away."

"Wow…" Ashley frowned, "I can't believe so many people are that stupid."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Craig defended putting his hand on Ashley's shoulder, "Suicide is a huge issue! You're lucky your life isn't crappy."

Jimmy sat in his wheelchair. He was miserable, "Like mine?"

"I know," Ashley assured them, "but I just can't believe anyone would throw their life away like that."

Ellie stared off into the sky. She was thinking of her life before she came to Degrassi Community School.

Ashley wanted someone to back her up, "What do you think, Ellie?"

Ellie didn't move. She stared and stared into the sky.

"Ellie?"

**THEME SONG BREAK:**

**WHATEVER IT TAKES**

**I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH**

**IF I HOLD OUT**

**I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH.**

**BE THE BEST**

**BE THE BEST I CAN**

**GONNA SAY TO YOU**

**I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT**

**I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH**

We're in flashback mode. Ellie is going to Rosali Community School in Los Angeles, California. She is thirteen and in seventh grade. She is in her room picking off her scabs. She picks them off and places them in a scrapbook where she labels the location of the scab and when it was pulled off. Most of these were 1998. Ellie stared at her collection in awe. Her mother came in, sober, "Morning!" Ellie chimed.

"You should get up as soon as your alarm goes off." Mrs. Nash scolded, "It's not like you've been up studying all night."

Ellie got up and made her bed and got ready for school. As she left she saw her mother hanging up her father's clothes on the balcony of their apartment, "See you later!" She called but then thought to herself, "My mom…she hangs out Dad's clothes where everyone will see them so no one will find out what happened, but they already know probably. Dad left home 8 months ago. (NOTE: The man in "Whisper to a Scream" is not Ellie's father in my version. He is her stepfather.)

Ellie arrived at Rosali to her first period class and sat down. Her cell phone rang. Text Message: YOU FREE TODAY? WE'RE HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR AMI! She turned around to see a classmate nodding at her. Ellie waved okay, but thought, "I don't know who she is, but…I guess I'll go anyway."

Ellie arrived at the party to find to her amazement, a karaoke set. She got up and sang, "Don't look back, darling. It'll make parting that much harder, ah…"

No one was listening for shouts of, "Happy birthday!" were heard everywhere. Ellie thought to herself, "No one's even listening. Maybe I chose the wrong song again. I've always been left out since I was a little kid."

Ellie's flashback had another flashback, ha.

Doctor's Office:

"Idiot!" Mrs. Nash yelled, "What do you think you're singing? The song's over anyway, dear…little brat."

Ellie coughed.

"You need to go to the hospital again?!"

The family nurse sighed, "Hurry up and change your clothes, okay?"

"First a fever, then a cough…" Mrs. Nash moaned, "her health is getting worse. I could buy a car with the money we spend on her hospital bills."

Ellie coughed again.

NEW FLASHBACK. Schoolyard:

Ellie's best friend Rita came up to Ellie and Mrs. Nash after school, "Can she play?"

"Sorry, she has piano lessons today." Mrs. Nash apologized.

The next day, "Can she play?"

"Sorry, she has swimming lessons today."

Then, "Can she play?"

"Sorry, she has English lessons today."

Later, Ellie was in the car with her mother who was driving her to another swimming lesson, "Mom, if I keep swimming, will I get healthy again?"

"Of course."

"And if I keep studying hard, will Dad stop getting angry?"

"Yes, so do what mommy tells you, okay?"

NEW FLASHBACK. It was after school of Ellie's sixth grade life. She arrived with a few friends, Rita and Lisa. She asked her mom something she wanted desperately.

"You want to watch some movies?"

"Can we?"

"I guess, as long as you study for two hours first."

Ellie, Lisa, and Rita frowned, "We came over because you said you had a DVD player in your room. Why do we have to actually study?"

Mrs. Nash came in with some tea, "How's it going?" She asked with a sneer, "Studying hard?"

"Um…yes." Lisa replied.

After about a half-hour, Rita and Lisa tried to sneak out, but Ellie caught them, "You're going home?! But what about the movies?!"

"Just forget it, bye." They called.

"Wait!" Ellie called after them.

Later that night, Ellie's mom and dad were fighting. Ellie's mom handed over the divorce papers. Mr. Nash frowned, "Okay, I'll let you have custody."

"Let me?!" Mrs. Nash spat at him, "Burden me with custody is more like it! You're going to that slut's house, aren't you?"

Her father turned around to leave but Ellie ran after him, "Wait! Dad! I got into MLK Community School!"

Ellie's dad didn't yield or pause. He just slammed his door. Ellie rushed into her room and cried, "I thought if I got into a prestigious school, dad wouldn't leave home. What the hell was I thinking? What am I doing?" Suddenly, she realized how stupid she had been the whole time.

The next morning, Mrs. Nash was yelling at Ellie, "They accepted you, so why haven't you sent them confirmation yet? What do you mean you don't want to go to MLK?! I'm not letting you go to Rosali! Eleanor! Eleanor!" Ellie had locked her door.

"From now on, I'm going to do what I want to do. No one at Rosali knows me. I'm going to re-create myself! I'm not going to do everything you tell me anymore, Mom!" She thought to herself.

All flashbacks are over but the original modern Ellie flashback of seventh grade. "I thought I could recreate myself, but I had a really bad cold, so I missed the first three days of school. I was already left out. The nerds, freaks, jocks, show-offs…the class had already split into cliques and I wasn't in any of them. But misery likes company, so…" she thought.

A classmate came up to her, "Ellie! Don't be so gloomy! Let's go have fun, it's Ami's birthday!"

Her classmate got all excited when she heard a friend of hers from junior high was coming, "There's always a party to celebrate stuff like getting a boyfriend or surviving final exams. They find one reason or another to get together here every single day. Friends of friends of friends would just come for the heck of it, without even knowing why." Ellie thought.

Almost everyone was having fun at the party. Ellie wasn't. But she overheard some tricky business, " You seriously gotta get a boyfriend before Christmas! What about that guy from MLK you turned down? He's better than nobody, just go with him. Dump him after Christmas!"

Ellie was annoyed, "You'd sink that low just to get a boyfriend?! That's not what it means to truly be boyfriend and girlfriend!" She thought angry, but stopped herself from speaking, "They'd hate me if I actually said it. Doesn't matter though. Looks like I'm being left out again…"

Her classmates were still being idiots, "So he said, 'It's okay to have sex if you're having your period. You won't get pregnant.' But the hotel bed was so filthy afterwards!"

A girl frowned, "My boyfriend would never say that!"

"This is the first time some of them have met, but they seem to be having so much fun singing karaoke and showing each other their photo albums." Ellie thought, "At first it looks like they're letting loose and just being themselves, but I don't think so. It's like they're all just pretending to be the kind of person they think the others will like. But I guess letting your true self show all the time could get a little tiring. But it's not like they're hurting anyone. They're all smiling and laughing. I wonder if this is the way to meet people and get along with them. I wonder if it'll always be like this no matter who I meet." Ellie thought again..., "I wanted real friends, but nothing turned out like I hoped."

Her classmate tapped her on the shoulder and whispered in her ear, "What I have to pay for everything?!" Ellie cried, "But I paid before, too…"

"Come on! It's Ami's birthday!" She laughed, "And besides, it'd be a real pain to get separate checks for eight people. It'd be so much easier if you treated us and paid it all by yourself. Right?"

Ellie didn't know what to say, "You're paying for us!" A girl called, "You're so nice, Ellie! Hey, can I make a call on your cell phone?"

Other girls joined in, "Me too, me too!"

Ellie was walking home thinking about things when she saw a fortune teller telling fortunes (what else? Ha!). A girl was already there, "You see nothing but good things in my future! I'm so happy! Thank goodness! Thank you!"

"Thank you!" The fortune teller called as Ellie stepped in the booth. The teller narrowed her eyes to slits and said, "Wow…I can see that you have a long life ahead of you. See! Your life line is nice and long. You might even live to be 113 years old!"

Ellie walked away, "Thanks!" but then thought, "What? Long life? 113? That means I have another hundred years to go! Not a single fun thing happened today, or yesterday, or even the day before that. I'm not even really living. It's like I'm just getting through each day. Is it going to be like that every single day for the rest of my life, one hundred years?" Her cell phone rang. Text Message: THANKS FOR TODAY! TOMORROW'S MINA'S "JUST-DUMPED-HER-BOYFRIEND" PARTY. CAN YOU COME? THANKS! Ellie sighed, "I'm probably going to be singing at that karaoke bar again tomorrow and then do that for the rest of my life every day! And tap, tap, tapping away to send e-mails! And when I get home, Mom will nag me until I almost suffocate! That kind of future feels so empty." She stood there waiting for a train.

A lady next to her picked up her cell phone, "What if I kill myself? Ha, ha, ha, ha! No way!"

Ellie came to a revelation, "I'm not even brave enough to throw myself from the platform. But I could stand here, and someone might bump me in from of the train…"

The intercom screamed, "Express train approaching! Please stand behind white line!" Ellie stood on the white line instead of behind it.

"It's not like I really want to kill myself. It's just…I don't want to keep on living either. I wonder if someone would really push me…" The train came and missed Ellie's hand by inches, "Thus another long, lousy day finally comes to an end…"

That night, Ellie's mom was supportive of her getting home late for some reason, "I just got a raise! Let's go to dinner!"

They went to a seafood restaurant, "113 years…" Ellie thought. She saw the chef cooking the seafood in front of their table. Her mom was chatting away with the person sitting next to her. The chef looked around sixteen years old. Ellie noticed her from homeroom, "She's not in any of the groups, either. And she's always absent. What was her name?" She thought. She looked up and saw her dangling a knife over her hand, "Huh?"

The chef cut her wrist and dropped the knife, "Ugh!"

A supervisor came over, "Hurry up to the office! Are you okay, can you walk?"

Ellie was horrified. But was shocked to see the chef smiling beautifully, "She did it on purpose." She thought, "She…she cut her wrists."

The next day at school, Ellie followed the chef girl all around. She saw the bandage on her wrist. When she turned the corner to follow her, she saw her standing still, "What am I doing?" Ellie thought, "I'm going home."

As soon as she turned, she heard a scream. Three girls appeared around the girl and started beating her up, "Hold it! Hey! You're not getting away! $450! We said we'd give you until today! Now where's our money?!" They kicked her.

"I'm sorry!" She cried, "I don't have any more!"

"Then make some! You hung up on me yesterday, bitch! You're not gonna blow us off that easy, cockroach! Cockroach woman!" They yelled as they sprayed her with RAID, "Die! Ah! It's still alive! Stubborn cockroach!" They turned around and left.

Ellie ran to the aid of the chef struggling on the ground, "Were those your friends?" She asked her but then thought, "What am I saying?! I don't know what to say at a time like this!"

"Oh, great." She said staring at her cockroach sprayed cell phone, "I think it's broken."

"What's your number?" Ellie asked.

"Huh? It's 333-3300."

Ellie typed it in and the phone rang, "It works!"

Ellie couldn't help but think about those three girls, "I wonder if those guys do this kind of thing to her all the time! The bug spray got all over her hair!" Ellie then saw a scar on her arm, "She's into cutting…" she thought but then stood up and said, "Well, see you."

Ellie walked away, but turned around to find the girl smiling, "Pale..." She thought as she looked at her skin, "This girl's arms were as skinny as stalks of asparagus…but they had more scars than I could count.

"If I cut my wrists," Ellie thought looking at her scab collection, "I wonder if the scars would look like a thread…" She got on her computer and typed on the search, "Cutting." The following information popped up:

To cut one's wrist with a knife, box cutter, or razor to repeatedly inflict injuries on oneself is also called wrist-cut syndrome. Incidents of wrist cutting have been on the rise, particularly among young girls….

The list of information went on forever. Her cell phone rang, "Yes?" She answered.

"Why does the bathroom at Theresa Park smell so bad?"

"Huh? Who is this?"

"Because as of right now, I'm dead!" She hung up.

"Hello?!" Ellie called, "Oh my gosh! It was the girl with the asparagus arms! I can't believe she's going to die! I shouldn't get involved with her, but part of me tells me she's just pretending…"

Ellie arrived at Theresa park to find her friend in a bathroom stall with a razor and a cut arm, "What should I do?!" She screamed.

The girl woke up, "What? Huh? Let me die!"

The bleeding stopped, "Are you drunk?" Ellie asked but then saw a bottle of red wine next to her. She helped the girl over to her house.

"Good! Mom's not home!" Ellie called relieved, "Change your clothes. Here, use this." She said handing her a towel. The girl stripped and Ellie could see all of her cuts, "Her wrists aren't the only thing she's cutting." She thought to herself. She mixed some tea, "I made some tea! Where are you?" She walked up to her room and found her looking at her scab collection, "No! Don't!"

"It's pretty!" The girl called and Ellie was shocked. She stared at the collection in awe.

Ellie smiled. Her cell phone rang. Text Message: GOT TIME TODAY? WE'RE HAVING A PARTY FOR YURI. Ellie put the phone down and sighed, "Not in a million years."

Ellie arrived in class next morning and held up an okay sign to her classmate telling her she was going. Her classmate then turned to a friend, "Yeah, we're going over there too. Yeah, Ellie's coming too. She can pay, ha!"

Ellie scowled at her. She didn't notice, "If I showed those girls my collection, they'd laugh. Not that girl." She said thinking of that girl she saved yesterday. She came over that night.

The girl brought some fish wither her. "Try this." She said and cut the fish.

"No, what're you doing?!"

"Give it a try. It'll help you relax."

"Idiot, stop it!"

"But it helps me before a test, or when…I'm depressed."

"You do stuff like this all the time?"

"I've been doing it for a while. But I hated being picked on all the time. First I cut fish, then parakeets, then dogs, then I ran out of things to cut, so I started cutting my arm. I decided to stop doing it before summer came, or else I wouldn't be able to wear short sleeves. But that didn't happen. I thought I'd be able to stop once I got into Rosali. I thought I'd be able to stop once I got into high school. I thought I'd have fun there. I thought I'd be able to get away from those girls, too. But those girls still came after me, even after we went into high school. I started wishing I would die. And before I realized it, I cut myself all over."

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Not at all."

"You're kidding me! Even a little paper cut hurts!"

"But for some reason, it doesn't hurt when you use a cutter. Paper cuts sting." She moved the cutter to her arm and slashed away at her wrist.

"Blood!" Ellie cried. Then she looked down and saw the girl had put the cutter on her wrist next, "Huh?! Wait! Why are you cutting me?! Hey!"

"It's okay."

"No! No! Only a little! Only .01 millimeters! Don't cut me too much! And tell me when you do!"

"It's already done." The girl said calmly.

"What?" Ellie looked down at her arm, "Huh? Hey, it doesn't hurt at all." She looked at the girl, "I have chills…This is so much more exciting than e-mails or cell phone calls."

Ellie turned on the TV, "Edge killed himself! The vocalist for the band, 'GaP the MiND' (nice originality, ha) killed himself by jumping off a building! Last night at approximately 2 A.M., Edge jumped off the roof of his 14th floor apartment. He was a member of a very popular rock group. He was 24 years old. As you can see here, a large group of fans have gathered in the front of his apartment. At local music stores, sales of 'GaP the MiND' CDs have suddenly shot through the roof."

"I don't know him." The girl said, "What--were you a fan of his, Ellie? It's all over the news."

"Not really. But it looks like he was really popular."

"Next up in the news: This morning in Toronto, two high school girls jumped to their depths from the roof or a building. However, they left a note explaining why."

"They probably heard about Edge and decided to follow him. 5 other people did it too."

"Don't you think it's amazing? It's perfect. In the hearts of his fans, Edge died an amazing death. Is that what you mean? Well, it's like even though he's dead, he's still in them. This is so amazing!"

"Ellie?"

Ellie ran from the apartment room and got to the top of the building, the roof. The girl followed her and heard Ellie scream, "Oh my God!"

"What?"

"One person's death affects the lives of many others when you die. Suddenly everyone takes a bit more interest in you than they ever did when you were alive. That's right. The moment you die, your life becomes eternal. Death is not the end. It's the beginning. Edge flew through the skies and now, he'll always be remembered at the height of his popularity. He didn't fall onto the concrete. He fell into our hearts. Hey, death isn't the end to everything, right? See? I can still hear his voice. He's still here. He's begun his second level. I don't want to die by some accident or disease. Edge's death was huge because he committed suicide. It's amazing because he chose to die. I mean, people slowly dying from the moment they're born. It doesn't matter if someone's an idiot or a great person, everyone dies at some point. It includes everyone. I will, too. And so will you. When I think about it, it's kind of strange. You can choose when to eat, when to sleep, or when you go to the bathroom. Yet, you can't decide for yourself when you're born or when you die. Don't you want to have control over when your life will end? I don't want to just wait in fear, never knowing when death will come. It's much cooler to knock on the door that leads from here to the other side."

"Wow." The girl said, "Well, what do you want to say to the world by committing suicide, Ellie? Something like this, 'if my father hadn't left, and if my mom wasn't so strict, my life would've turned out differently'?"

"So you think I feel this way because of my parents?"

"No matter how bad a parent might be, the children are powerless against them. You can't stand up to them as long as you're alive, Ellie. That's why you want to commit suicide. You should write it all down in your suicide note. I get excited whenever I think about what will happen after I die."

"That's right…" Ellie thought to herself, "Asparagus would probably write down those girls' names and everything they've done to her. No…even without a note, everyone will probably realize why she committed suicide. That's right! If Asparagus commits suicide now, then those girls might be convicted of murder! I never realized how powerful suicide is…amazing!"

"Why don't you do it by jumping in the front of a train, Ellie?" The girl asked.

"Huh?"

"They'll have to stop the train to remove your body, and your mom will have to pay a fine to the city." She chuckled.

"They really charge fines…or is that a rumor started to discourage suicidal teens?"

"It's true! It's used to cover the costs of lawsuits and derailments from suicides. And they're pretty stubborn about getting it paid, too."

"Wow…"

"Actually, there was a girl who committed suicide on a railroad a long time ago. She stood right in front of an express train going 125 miles an hour."

"Really?! That's awful! But your body would be mangled! I want to freeze to death on a snowy mountain."

"You can climb a mountain, Ellie?"

"I know! I'll use sleeping pills! By the time anyone notices me and tries to pick me up, I'll already be dead."

"You'll have to take over 200 pills, though to fill both hands."

"Hmm…yeah…that'd be tough to swallow."

"If you're going to jump, you have to do it from a place over 65 feet high, or you might not die. You have to jump from at least 7 or 8 stories up. And it's best if there's concrete below you. If you jump from over 16 stories high, you'll feel like you're floating down slowly…and it'll feel great!"

"Hey, edges body looked like it didn't have a scratch or bruise on it at all. I wonder why? You'd think there would be some…"

"Yeah, probably because he jumped feet first."

"I see… He probably wasn't scared and didn't feel any pain either. Surrounded by the gentle sunlight, like a dream. In that moment, he probably gave birth to the greatest song in history. It's simple. There's no fear and no pain. You die and leave a beautiful corpse. I wonder if I should jump."

"I think cutting your wrists would be better."

"Huh?"

"Cut your artery. Cut right here, like you were hollowing it out. Do it in one quick stroke, don't hesitate. If you're 110 pounds, you should let at least one liter of blood drain from your body. Put your hand in a sink or in a bathtub, so the wound won't close up. You don't have to take sleeping pills. You'll lose so much blood, you'll get anemic and start to lose consciousness…and your temperature will slowly start to drop…dying will be just like slowly falling asleep."

"It's true." Ellie agreed, "Just like slowly, slowly falling asleep." She closed her eyes.

"For my funeral, I'd rather have them sing hymns than chant. And I'd rather have flowers than incense."

"Yeah, me too!"

"And…in the portrait next to my casket, I want to have a little smile on my face."

"Oh no! I don't have any decent pictures!"

"Uh-oh. Me neither. I don't want some strange photographer just taking it however he wants though."

The two of them went to a photo booth, took pictures and laughed, "Oh! These turned out great!" Ellie cried, "Your eyes show every emotion, Asparagus!"

"I guess I'll use this one."

Suddenly, the three evil girls came up, "Hide me!" The girl yelled.

It didn't fool the girls, "You hand over some money too, bitch!"

"No! Leave her out of this!" She yelled.

"You didn't come up with the money, so we're collecting interest!" She then shoved the girl in a photo booth, "You! Get in here! Hurry up! Start masturbating! Do it and face the camera! If you don't play with yourself, I'll spray this in your friend's mouth! Open your legs wider! Wider!" They then threw her out of the booth, "Here's some money to get home. Hey-- aren't you going to thank me?" She sneered.

"Thank you very much." She said.

"If you want these pictures on you masturbating back, you'll hand over $450."

"I wish…" She began to say as they walked away.

"Asparagus?"

"I'll walk home."

Ellie began crying, "I wish I'd just hurry up and die. That's what Asparagus said anyway…there are some people who say 'no matter how hard things are at the moment, time will pass and everything will work out just fine. There's no need to stress.' But how long do we have to wait? They tell us, 'When you're sad and hurt, just remember the good times you've had.' But what about the people who have never had any good in their lives? For people who have had nothing but problems, dying is much easier than living. Yeah. I want to be set free from this pain. I walk and walk, but all I can see is darkness. Hey, is suicide the exit out of the long tunnel of pain. Isn't death the only thing that can save her? Hey, what makes suicide so bad? Can someone please explain that to me?"

Ellie arrived home to find her mom in her room. She was looking at the scab collection, "Oh no!" Ellie cried, "No! No! What are you doing?!"

"What do you mean? This is creepy! What kind of child would collect her own scabs? Honestly! Throw it all out!"

"I've been collecting them for six years! How cruel, mom!"

"And where were you so late at night? Finals are coming up, you know! When you said, 'From now on, I'm going to do what I want to do.', did you mean you're going to fool around as much as you want? If you hate your mother that much, are you just going to run away? IF you like playing around every day, are you going to quit school. Are you going to commit suicide! I've been letting you do what you want, but if you were by yourself, you'd be helpless. So I'm going to…"

"I'm going to die. I can't take this."

"What did you say?"

"I'm going to commit suicide."

"People always say, 'I want to die, I want to die', but they never do it. Because they can't."

"I'm going to do it."

"You can't do anything! So what makes you think you can commit suicide?"

"Damn it! I'll show you!" Ellie cried and pulled a cutter out of her bag, "I'm going to kill myself!"

"S-stop it, Eleanor!"

"My mom's going to have to live the rest of her life knowing that her daughter committed suicide because of her. Serves her right!" Ellie thought.

"Eleanor!"

Ellie slashed away at her arm so strong, she thought, "Is that fat I see in the wound? My white flesh has shown itself. It's kind of like raw chicken from KFC…like raw corn… My blood is pouring out. Wow…it's coming out fast! It comes out faster when my heart beats. Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! This is really amazing! My blood is warm…and it smells like fresh roses."

Her mom stained her new towel by wrapping it on the wound. She went to the phone, "Hello? I need an ambulance!"

Ellie smiled, but fell to the ground. After that, she was sinking…slowly…slowly…into a pitch-black sea.

To be continued…

And then this is the part where it freezes on her body on the ground and says:

**Executive Producers:**

**Brett Hawkins**

**Reiko Momochi**

And then the cast list comes up:

_Ellie: Stacey Farber_

_Ashley: Melissa McIntyre_

_Jimmy: Aubrey Graham_

_Craig: Jake Epstein_

And then it ends and you're like, "NOOOOOOOO!"

Tune in next time, muahahahhaha!

**-Brett**


End file.
